


You're All I Have

by NnoitraSzayel



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-21
Updated: 2014-08-21
Packaged: 2018-02-14 02:25:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,611
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2174505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NnoitraSzayel/pseuds/NnoitraSzayel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>While Remus is at the bookstore, Sirius finds and reads Remus' journal, finding out some things he wished he'd never read...</p>
            </blockquote>





	You're All I Have

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SleepingBeast](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=SleepingBeast).



> This is a fic for SleepingBeast because she was kind enough to do my art request :3 She gave me the near impossible prompt of Remus hurting Sirius in a way that made him cry, but in a way so that they could still be together in the end. I went through several ideas, but none of them worked because when I sat down to write it, I always made it go down a road where one of them ended up dying. The only other idea I had I knew had already been written. So, I sat for a while on this prompt without writing it simply for lack of an idea. However, I was determined to not tell her that it was too hard. Finally, one night when I was lying in bed trying to get to sleep, this idea came to me. It was perfect. I knew how to make Sirius cry, neither would end up dead, and they would be able to reconcile.
> 
> first published June 10, 2011

Sirius was sitting in the room alone, staring at the coffee table, tapping his foot on the floor. Remus had gone out to the bookstore, and the boredom was about ready to kill the animagus. He had tried cleaning the house, but that only took about five minutes because Remus had cleaned the evening before. He had tried eating a sandwich, but that hadn’t taken long either. There was absolutely nothing else he could do.

The animagus sighed and looked up at the ceiling. Sirius hadn’t wanted it to come down to reading, but he supposed that at least perusing the shelf would kill some time. He got up and walked the short distance to the wall where the poor, sun damaged bookcase was bursting with novels and texts of all sorts. He scanned some of the titles of the Muggle classics and wizarding books: _A Tale of Two Cities; Macbeth; Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them; Fungi of the World; Is Time Travel Possible?; Potion Making for Beginners; Julius Caesar; War and Peace; Hard Times; Healing through the Art of Potions; Quidditch Through the Ages; The Monster Book of Monster; Romeo and Juliet; Hogwarts, A History; A History of Magic…_ Sirius rolled his eyes. They really did have too many books. There were even more in the bedroom. There were a few that he liked, but most of them were not the kind of thing he’d like to read. Deciding that he would finally flip through the giant book of photography that James had given him for Christmas a few years back (honestly, why James had thought he was into that kind of thing was beyond Sirius), he reached down for the bottom shelf and pulled it off. As soon as the book was in his hands, he heard a distinct snap, and quickly backed away, thinking that the shelves had finally had enough and were going to collapse. After a few seconds in a defensive position, he had pretty much figured out that it was not going to fall over. Putting the photography book on the table, he knelt down to look at the bottom shelf. When he had removed the book, it caused some compartment to open. Sirius reached into the hole and pulled out a small, leather-bound book with the name R.J. Lupin embossed into the front cover. The animagus raised an eyebrow. Since when had Remus kept a journal?

Putting the photography book back on the shelf, Sirius walked slowly back to the couch. He debated with himself about whether or not to read it… It was a big breach in trust…. But what harm could it do? It was probably all about the books he read, but what Sirius really wanted was to know what Remus thought about him. How he felt while they were having sex, how he liked being married to him, and whether or not Remus really loved him. Remus wouldn’t be home for a while because he always took forever at the bookstore. _Reading one page couldn’t hurt…_ Sirius thought, opening the book to a random page.

 

_September 3 rd_

_I’m not sure what to think about Sirius anymore. He’s nice to me, and I know he doesn’t treat anyone else the way he treats me, but I can’t possibly be in love with him, can I? He’s loud and always finding trouble. He eats mushrooms, and drinks pumpkin juice, and he’s too touchy. Does he not know when I need my personal space? And then, sometimes I wonder if he even really loves me. I thought he did, but then he’ll do something, like wink at a girl and then I’ll doubt everything. I want to believe that there’s a chance we can be together, but how can do that when I’m not even sure I love him?_

Sirius quickly shut the book, heart racing. Remus wasn’t sure he loved Sirius. Remus had married him without being entirely sure of Sirius’ love for him. The animagus felt sick as he sat down on the couch. September 3rd had been last week. Remus had doubts about loving Sirius, and yet he had still stood there and taken vows.

Sirius’ hands were shaking. Remus couldn’t possibly think that way, could he? No, the rational part of his brain told him. Remus had always been open about his love for Sirius. Why would he be having doubts now? The animagus decided that this must have been a one-time thing and, opening the book, that he should read the next page just to be sure.

 

_September 4 th_

_Sirius seems to really like playing with my hair… although I don’t understand why. There’s quite a bit of grey starting to grow into it. It makes me look much older than him; definitely not like someone who could be with him. I’m still not entirely sure I love him. He seems to love me, because of everything he does. He still holds me in a hug longer than he does James, and he likes getting my coffee and breakfast ready in the morning… but can a monster like me really love anyone?_

Sirius shut it again and placed it on the table. He sat down heavily on the couch. Sirius stared blankly at the book, feeling worse than he had since he left his brother, Regulus, alone with his parents. Worse than he had after he realized what telling Snape about how to get into the Whomping Willow could have caused. He wanted to lock himself away and never come out again. Remus didn’t love him. A tear slipped down his cheek as he realized what this meant.

He was still alone.

xXxXx

When Remus returned to the house an hour later, he put the new book about gardening he had purchased under his arm so he could fish around in his pocket for the house key. Pulling it out, he pulled it out and fitted it snuggly into the door, turning it. Upon hearing the click signaling the unlocking, he turned the knob and opened the door. Remus stepped into the entry way and pushed the door shut behind him; the werewolf hung up his coat on the hook and slipped out of his shoes, stopping in front of the mirror as he walked by to put the brown hairs over the grey ones, hiding them from view.

Remus walked into the sitting room with the book and saw Sirius sitting on the sofa, staring at the coffee table blanking; the same as he had been doing since he read those two passages. The werewolf walked over and sat next to him, setting his own book on the table. Kissing Sirius’ cheek, Remus asked, “Did you miss me?”

“Yeah… I did…” the animagus replied quietly. “But you didn’t miss me.”

Remus looked bewildered. “I wanted you to come with me… of course I missed you. I miss you every time I leave here without you…”

“Not according to what you wrote.” Sirius said, miserably.

“According to what I wrote…?” Remus asked, trailing off. When he got no answer, his eyes followed Sirius’ to the table and the journal that sat on top of it. “Oh.” was all Remus said.

“Oh? That’s all you have to say?” Sirius whispered, trying to blink back tears. “You married me without loving me, and you expected me to never find out? Were you just using me for the sex? So you’d have a place to live? A place where you felt wanted?”

“Sirius, I-”

“No… Please don’t try to explain.” A tear slipped down his cheek. “I understand. I want to be wanted, too. I want to feel loved. Loved by _you._ And then I find out that you’ve been lying to me…. I… I can’t believe this…”

“Please, Sirius… listen to me… that’s not-”

“How you really feel? You wrote it, Remus. Why wouldn’t it be how you feel?” The animagus looked up from the table at the werewolf, crying freely now.

Remus’ heart clenched. “Yes, Sirius, I did write it… but I didn’t write it when you think I did…”

“Then when did you write it?” He asked, wiping his tears away with his sleeve, sniffling.

“Years ago. Before we were together. Look at the front cover, I swear Sirius… I love you. I love being married to you.”

Sirius looked at Remus, stared at the honesty shinning through his eyes, and leaned forward to pick up the journal. He opened it to the front cover page, reading the words _Remus John Lupin, 1976_ inscribed there in Remus’ neat scrawl. It was from before they were together… or at least when those entries were written it would have been from before they were together.

The animagus shut the journal, handing it to Remus. “Sorry…”

“No… I’m sorry… I shouldn’t have hidden it. Of course that would’ve made you curious.”

“I still shouldn’t have read it.”

Remus sighed and set the journal on top of the cookbook. He moved closer to Sirius, wrapping his arms around the animagus, pulling him close. “I love you, Sirius. Don’t you ever forget it.”

Sirius nodded, leaning into the werewolf. “I won’t…”

“Good.” Remus said, giving Sirius a soft kiss on the lips.

Sirius kissed him back, slowly at first, before the werewolf deepened it by slipping his tongue into the other’s mouth. Eventually Sirius was gently pushed back onto the couch under Remus, their clothes slowly but steadily coming off. The werewolf showed Sirius just how much he loved him before they fell asleep in each other’s arms, both completely and utterly reassured of each others love.


End file.
